Ode To A Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning
Putty. Putty. Putty.
Green Putty - Green Putty
Grarmpitutty - Morning!
Pridsummer - Grorning Utty!
Discovery.....Oh.
Putty? ..... Armpit?
Armpit ..... Putty.
Not even a particularly
Nice shade of green.
First, thanks to my friend over at MB, for the link to the Onion. I have been suffering through a vicious head cold for the past couple of weeks and nothing seems to help! I have tried copious quantities of Single Malt Scotch Whiskey that are said to have medicinal qualities and tried inhalers that would make Grunthos the Flatulent pass out, but nothing seems to help. So, when I ran across this this book on Amazon, I went into this semi-trance. You know, like when you have a cold, and you're feeling sorry for yourself, and you are laying on the sofa with a limp willie, and drool is coming out the side of mouth, and the T.V. is on, but you're not really hearing it kind of a trance. I was trying to think about how it would feel to be healthy and happy again. Then I thought, if I had never felt like I had been ate by a wolf and shit over the side of a cliff, then I really wouldn't be able to distinguish between feeling good and feeling bad. Or as my friend Jerry Jeff Walker liked to say, "If I'd never felt the sunshine then I would not cuss the rain (if my feet would fit a railroad track, I guess I'd a been a train)."
There are times when you just want to sit and think, when you want to get away from the life-is-a-party way of thinking. But is there a middle way? Can you actually be a stoic, like Marcus Aurelius, without experiencing the extremes? Or, are these extreme feelings part of our genetic make-up, without which we wouldn't know whether to fish or cut bait? I have a psychiatrist (fizzy-key-a-tryst, thank you Ricky Ricardo) friend that tells me all of our emotions are legitimate. They are mechanisms that are triggered to enable us to respond appropriately to different situations. My problema, she tells me is that my emotions are FUBAR, that I REALLY don't know shit from shine-ola. I told her she was making me feel paranoid, she said, "Hon, you ain't paranoid enough!" She did say I had one outstanding quality, that I was a good listener. I asked what that meant. She said, "You're not listening!" I think I'm going to find a male psychiatrist, he will probably be much more sympathetic to my childish needs. He will probably have some of his own childish needs and call me wishy-washy. In which case, I will return to her.
I don't mind being a little paranoid. It's being outrageously maniacal when the phone rings while I'm watching the tube, or cursing the idiot that swerves in front of me on the highway, or being domineering and selfish and wanting it MY WAY (Frank Sinatra summed up Brokow's greatest generation with that song), that causes me consternation. You know I've tried everything, Crystal gazing, Zen, Yoga, being kind to dogs, if it is supposed to help you get in touch with your Inner Tube, then I've tried it. Hell, I've even been to the Unitarian Church! Nothing I've tried has helped me to become more considerate. thoughtful, or kind. Until. Until I discovered I had SLEEP APNEA!
That's me! I had wires hooked up everywhere and the nurse kept assuring me, "Don't worry, we only electrocute about 1 out 10." I went to sleep thinking of that Beavis and Butthead song, "When I was young and had no sense, I took a whiz against the electric fence. Hurt so bad, shocked my balls, took a crap in my overalls." The nurse came in and woke me up again, to see if I was sleeping, what else is new? I finally went to sleep again, only to wake up thinking that a miniature spacecraft had come from Tralfamdore seeking a specimen for their Zoo of the Absurd. It was only the red light shining from the tip of my finger, that was hooked to some device that was measuring the Oxygen in my blood. They told me I snored, LOUDLY. They also told me if I would buy a machine that would pump air into my nose all night, that I would wake up healthy, wealthy, and wise. I asked, "Why can't I just buy a Gaze Ball and stare at it before I go to bed at night?" They said that would work only if I had a machine that blew air into my nose. I know, I know, it's time for a cheap joke about "smoke being blown into another orifice" but I am trying to be more considerate. At least they weren't trying to sell me bundled mortage securites or Credit Default Options. Maybe, they just haven't thought about that, yet.
Until next time,
I remain,
Just another sleepy Zorastrian Cowboy,
Seeking a way to get Dem Deep REMs that involves Summer Glau
